in the beginning

The other night I asked my husband to pick out a book for me from our basement collection.  He’s a book lover living in a small apartment, in a city with good, cheap, used books so naturally we have far too many for them all to live peacefully above floors with us. I didn’t care if I’d read the book before, but I wanted something I might not pick for myself.

He came back with In the Beginning, by Chaim Potok, which he chose particularly for the first line:
“All beginnings are hard.”

Later, Potok goes on to say:

“Especially a beginning that you make by yourself.  That’s the hardest beginning of all.”

What a timely reminder for me, as I fret about my plans.  Lately I’ve changed my mind nearly every day about whether to get an MBA, become a music teacher, do a museum studies program, or fill in the blank ___________.  Somehow I haven’t yet gotten to the old standbys: open a bakery/cafe, concentrate on designing and selling my sewing pieces, move to a small town and just get any job that we can live on and enjoy the quiet and the slow pace.I recently had occasion to count how many courses in different subjects I took in college.  Want to guess how many music courses there were?  28!  Want to take a stab at how many statistics, economics, finance, business, and math courses there were?  How about: 0,0,0,0,and 0!  So what am I thinking?

Well, I suppose among other things I’m thinking that people change.  How nice, even, to know I’m not the same person I was 24 years ago when I started college – and I don’t need to be limited by who I was then.  But it’s amazing to witness the fears and objections that rise up in me as I brazenly contemplate doing something I’ve never done before, beginning anew.

May I live to enjoy the beginning and see my plan through.